i feel like today i am on my way to being whole. like truly truly whole. so many things my friends pointed out today that made me go wow okay so this is where i really am. the thing is besides the bulimia and all the things that go along with it i really truly love my life and im ready i think finally to stop running and just put in the work and effort it takes to be whole. i mean what else is there if not this. i most certainly will not be this way when i have kids and its not fair to saddle some guy with these issues so i need to just man up and deal with them now so i can get to where i want to be where i have dreamt of being for so long the only place i know i long and desire to end up at. and its time. and then having this old man call me beautiful i mean drunk and all. it sank in even at this weight where i feel ugly and fat im beautiful and i am loved at this weight for who i really am so its not about how i look thats not what will make me happy but being whole and not having the guilt and shame and madness of this disease hanging over my head all the time like an albatross that is what will keep me happy and so thats where i need to get to. and if i just put in the time and effort and realize that i have all the help i need i just need to ask for it and use it then i can do this i cant fail this time. and so im ready to get this show on the road. this is it, time to embrace the rest of my life. no guy is gonna fix this no one else is gonna fix it i need to fix it but everything that i have dreamt of is waiting at the end so away with all the distraction time to get some work done. that was my epiphany
This just changed my life.
Jada needs to write a book.
I can’t comment right now because I’m on my way to work but watch.
they’re the most perfect couple
this is what i want. to look like this and to be with a guy who looks at me like that!
There are stories old and true
of people so in love like you and me
and I can see myself
let history repeat itself
Reflecting how I feel for you
thinking about those people then
I know that in a thousand years
I’d fall in love with you again.
listening to the beegee’s “more than a woman”. love everything about this song <3
it’s sunday little angels!!!! haha i dunno why i’m so excited it’s not like anything is gonna happen today. well there should be a new true blood episode tonite. fingers crossed its online by 2am at least. there were some kids outside my window last night all night till like 4 or 5 in the morning laughing, yelling, singing, talking really loudly. at first i didn’t mind cos i was like aww ppl having fun but then they wouldn’t go away and i mean i already have trouble sleeping normally so that didn’t help at all. instead i kept laying there in the dark then getting up to turn on the lights and write. like repeatedly. i dont even remember when but i guess sleep finally won somewhere close to 6am. and then somehow i was up and out of bed at 1030 :( now my head hurts but im considering going to the gym because i like really really need to.
i wrote a lot of shit last night and now most of it seems rather incoherent but here’s a little bit.
“will i ever give nice guys a chance? it saddens me that history has shown that i’m more attracted to or willing to take a chance on assholes masquerading as nice guys rather than actual nice guys. why can’t i just meet a nice guy that i’m actually attracted to? maybe it’s like aaron said that i’m not really a nice girl but i don’t think that’s it. i know the type of guy i want like the johnny depp or ryan gosling or travie mccoy type is real and that’s what i want. someone who excites my senses but calms my madness if that makes sense. and above all has a good heart and is not a douchebag. someone who has real morals and principles and treats others liek he would want to be treated. who doesn’t demand respect but commands it wherever he goes because his actions and his character speak loudly and overwhelmingly. someone who is excited about life, love, the human mind and the way it works, relationships and the intricate dynamics of it, family; excited about being passionate, music, people, connectivity, is humble but fun and childish and has a playful spark and is not stuck up or overly materialistic, doesn’t have to be the life of the party but me and him is always a celebration, who is slow to judge but listens and understands. honestly i’ll take someone who’s never had a mental breakdown or danced with depression and mental illness a day in his life as long as he was open to understanding what i’ve been through, how it shaped me, the roads it took me down and who it has made me today. someone who doesnt want to fix me but loves and accepts me as i am and only envisions the very best for me, for him, for us. someone who is spontaneous, easily amused and slow to anger and violence and unnecessary outbursts. i can’t imagine being with someone who liked to argue all the time let alone be physically violent. someone who wants to see and do everything but sometimes at the end of the day is content just to see and do me. someone who wants me to be a part of his life completely believeing that i would never do anything to distort his individuality as i would never expect or want the same from him. someone who makes my heart beat faster who when im away from i can’t wait to get back to but still respects my need for space (and not necessarily privacy). someone who wants to get inside my head and get lost in there for a while and would still never call me crazy or weird unless he meant it as a compliment of the highest order. someone who is not necessarily ambitious for money or power or success but is smart enough and hardworking enough to know that everything is within reach and not only designs the life he dreamed of but works towards achieving it, someone who is generous with his time, money and love. i could go on and on but yeah basically a nice guy who is an actual nice guy and now a self-absorbed douchecunt!”
i also thought about the people i respect and why and what it is that i really want people to see and respect about me.
i read a bit from anais nin’s collection of essays and i must say i love her even more. her words are like honey!!! i’m going to read the books she mentioned and really excited about that. thanks to the books of summer that are making my life one day at a time <3
what i need is:
to be skinny
to have more of a social network to be friendly and make friends with guys girls and make an effort to get to know ppl and put all the prejudices aside
to be happy no matter how much resistance i face
collect stories and then tell them need to start talking to random ppl and seriously just collect stories and inspiration about life love etc need to learn to approach ppl and be approachable
blog about navigating through our twenties finding meaning and purpose creating havens and communities built on love friendship trust
there is so much to do i just need to start somewhere
mon: figure out post thing, go clean apartment, recolo again call or just go, NO FOOD this week, buy home stuff for skin and face, watch the secret, call UVA
i really need to get (back) to the place where i was you know that week when i was happy and positive about life and everything and everyone in it. now im just slightly irritated by everything. but the thing is if i was happy with myself i wouldnt ask anyone else to change to fit my idea of how things should be. it just wouldnt matter at all. its not about anyone else, its about me and what i need right now. i need some consistency, some joie de vivre, some excitement about life, daily life and all its nuiances, i need to find happiness in the small things the big things everything. i need to find a way to make myslef happy and to keep myself happy. taking myself and my goals seriously from today:
living on 25 euros every week from now till the end of july which mean that aside from the purchases which already go out of my account such as gym phone etc i cant spend any more money. no more eating out or paying to socialize. just wanna chill with my friends work out read more sleep more be happy more watch meaningful stuff more. no more setting myself up to fail i mean what is this. i need to be my own biggest advocate and supporter and learn to just be okay with myself otherwise how can i ever really ask anyone else to be happy with me
cancel kamernet lisitng for now
check on internet thing in email see how much we are gonna be paying
switch gyms?
i am all the inspiration i need!!!!
so i was having one of those weekends: my body aches terribly and i dunno what from, i feel tired all the time and i just wanted to lay in bed, and the b/p was back up to bad levels again, feeling fat and puffy and heavy and my skins freaking out and has all these spots, and i felt ugly or not beautiful enough again to get the kind of guy that im attracted to and basically ive been spiralling down this whole weekend but yay i see the light at the end of the tunnel.
i am all i need to focus on to see me through these times. ive gotta get my vision straight and remain focused on that no matter what. im aiming for a skinny bulimia free body, a happy life not necessarily full of more people and activities but of meaningful activites and ppl i actually wanna be around. im aiming to be able to stay here legally start the masters be able to get kachi here and make it to nigeria for xmas. that is my goal and that is what i need to not lose sight of everyday. i need to live and breathe that for a while and not get distracted.
these little jealousy spells need to stop. be happy for everyone who is happy and envy no one for anything because i dont know how they have come by it. i will have everything that i desire if i just remain patient and stay the course.
andrei wasnt it and so i need to let go of that and not be sttupid and lose a potentially good friend. if i can see past this then i know that we can just go back to the way things were which i liked. i am not confused about anything anymore. i like him as a friend. the end. im just feeling lonely and a little horny and desperate but please please keep it in ur pants woman. so much work to be done i dont even know how i have all this time to waste doing absolutely nothing!!!
i want love i need it. its gotta come and find me soon!!! im so ready like beyond ready. ready to let go of the past all of it…i dont wanna spend any more time of my life thinking of the past unless its to appreciate all of it and the fact that it brought me to where i am now. in fact im saying it now thank you to all the boys before rene, thank you rene for shutting shit down, thanks to rocky cor and everyone else for not being the ones, thanks to me for getting over the others, thanks to andrei for bursting the bubbles, thank you thank you everyone for letting me go, for leaving me alone, for not interrupting shit anymore for clearing the way so that i could be ready ready for the awesomeness thats about to come my way. im just restless and waiting in anticipation for this guy who is gonna blow me away excite all my senses love me like woah and be able to let me love him like woah without anyone getting scared and running away or playing games i want it to be instant electric hot like fire all consuming passionate yet deep and steady the kind of love you can count on the kind that lasts a lifetime im waiting to meet the guy who is gonna be my best friend for life. i need you and i want you here now so hurry up and come find me!!
